Lectures of Conjecture

Listen to Me, Soul.

2009-09-23T00:08:00.002-04:00

God is good.

God is kind.

He is gentle.

Please unwind.

A Prayer For Southside Fellowship

2009-08-27T11:12:00.003-04:00

Father,
Thank you for the place we are at. We are growing in love and grace, and our hearts are being filled with praise. You truly have made a wonderful church here and many people love to call it their home. But, Lord, sometimes people marvel in the church leadership and not in you. Sometimes people give the leadership the glory and not the Holy Spirit. Lord, just like any good thing, our church has the potential to become twisted. Lord, we may become arrogant in ourselves. We may become prideful and look disdainfully at other churches. Dogmatic. Lord, if ever we begin to think or believe in such a way as to greatly defame your name - get rid of us. Let us not stand in your way. If pride, then let us fall. If arrogance, prove us wrong. Jesus, if we are not following you in everything we do, steer us straight. Be gracious and merciful, yes, but I pray that we would not get in your way. Your name is too important. Let us be a light to your fame. Let every hand that marvels in this place point to you. To you, and you alone.

Death = Life

2009-05-05T16:19:00.003-04:00

I am slowly losing my existence. "Me" is mattering less and less as time goes. I am dying a slow death. As my life light fades, joy inside me grows. Peace and contentment take its place. This death has its pangs, but replacing this bitter experience comes a life outside my control filled with power and love. Life to its fullest. Life everlasting. I must die if I am to live.

I have been praying, "Help Me, God" for a while now. And I am beginning to see that this prayer will never leave my lips. I've just been saying it more and more. It bugs me. It truly does, that I would need so much help - to be this helpless. Its humbling.

I hold my journals in my hands and see proof of my constant need. Page after page after page of my own shortfalls. Getting older doesn't necessarily replace your shortfalls - it just makes them more and more vivid as you continually fail time and again. My need of Him is just getting greater. I am nothing apart from my Jesus. And it hurts to know that sometimes. Its hard to admit that I can't do anything on my own, that I am in no way independent of my God. I am a weakling - that's hard to swallow. A weakling. But it is the truth for everyone. Even those who think they are strong - they are the weakest.

Lord, become greater as I grow lesser. Glorify yourself in me.

A Spiritually Physical Tapestry

2009-04-09T22:15:00.004-04:00

It has seemed to me as of late that the whole of creation is some sort of spiritually physical tapestry. This is going to be difficult to explain.

The more I study God and get to know his character and intentions for man, the more I see it reflected in creation. How is it that fruit growing on a vine is a perfect metaphor for our growth in Christ? As long as we are connected to the source, we will bear our fruit. The same goes for fruit in any capacity. It is what comes from the glorious process involving things out of the plant's control - namely, water and sunlight. The tree cannot do much outside of its power-source. In fact, it would die. Same with us. We are spiritually dead apart from Christ. Another example, how is it that sex so perfectly represents the oneness of Christ and the church? Christ is in us. We are a part of Him. One. Another example - light and dark. It just baffles me that Jesus being the light in a sinful world works so incredibly perfect as a metaphor.

It might seem weird to you that it would be weird to me, but let me explain a little further. I don't think it would be entirely accurate to say that God created sex and fruit and light to be a metaphor of himself or our relationship with him. Part of the reason might be because all those things are great and should be enjoyed. Simple as that. But the fact that these things can be such perfect metaphors in and of themselves seems purposeful to me - almost as if the connection between the spiritual world and physical world was inevitable. It just seems to fit so perfectly. A world randomly formed with random creatures on it formed by accident would not make this much sense. This is getting more difficult to explain...

When Noah and his ark-load of life finally landed back on the once-flooded earth, God made a promise that he would never flood the earth again. Then he sealed it with a sign for Noah and future generations - the rainbow. Now, scientists today will take a look at the rainbow and say, "see the light is hitting the droplets of the rain and dispersing into its spectrum of colors..." and what not, and they are saying true facts. But they are missing part of the whole - they are not seeing the entire tapestry. This natural occurrence is also fully spiritual. The rainbow is part of God's promise to man. Sure, its natural - but its also spiritual.

As I go about day to day I'm seeing this more and more. The physical world is part of the spiritual. Let me explain it this way. I imagine the physical world as a song that you recognize and enjoy as music. The song has lyrics you love to sing along to but you don't get the language they're sung in - the language of the spiritual world. Those lyrics speak the truth of the song as a whole, and while you can still enjoy the song (or hate the song) without knowing what it means, the entirety of the song's meaning comes in the understanding of the lyrics as well. Thus, the physical - spiritual connection.

I don't know... It makes so much sense in my head. I just can't get it out... It's like a mist in the morning. I just can't put it in a jar.

I'm tired. Seeya.

A First-Person Parable

2009-03-23T12:18:00.003-04:00

I once saw a man who was smiling as he walked. It bothered me that the lower half of his face appeared to be joyous, but looking in his eyes I saw no happiness. Pain came from behind those windows. He had black hair, a comb-over, and wore a striped suite that was well beyond its years of glory. Ya, it was pretty ratty. Thick glasses, with a crack in one of the lenses. His hands were in his pockets, his elbows clutched at his sides, and his wrist brandishing a horribly fake Rolex watch. He looked tense. Yet his mouth was smiling.

As he passed me I smelled the thickest cologne a man could wear, while underneath was the distinct scent of body odor. Then I noticed that the left side of his suite was dirty and wrinkled. It appeared to have been slept on. And, taking a closer look at his face, streams of tears had washed away dirt and grime, leaving thin tracks of clean skin down towards his jawline. He was pretty skinny too. But he kept smiling.

It bothered me. I felt compassion for the man. That smile was as fake as the Rolex on his wrist. Everything about him seemed contrived. He was trying really hard to beat the world. To make it what he wanted - to will it better. He was failing miserably. I felt sad for him. He passed me by, though, and I kept walking.

Then I saw a lady. She was wearing the same smile, but pain screamed from behind her eyes. She appeared clean-cut from far away, but she was far from it when I came closer. It felt weird to me. What was wrong with her? And the guy that just passed me? But I soon noticed that everyone, every living soul that I passed on the street that day was trying to appear their best, but their contrivance fell away when close up.

Everyone was trying to make it on their own. Smiling through their pain, trying to force themselves to be happy, one misstep away from total break-down. They all needed something, but it was missing. When I looked in their eyes I could see an infinitely deep hole inside that needed to be filled. But their faces spoke nothing of the hole. You would think they had no clue it was even there. Yet they kept walking. Kept smiling. It was puzzling, but everyone kept moving. And so did I.

Draw Me Home

2009-03-16T21:51:00.003-04:00

While parachuting in,

Wind, sky, and sights

Were all I could see.

I landed in the sea,

Parachute on me,

Now I'm trapped inside.

I am adrift,

In an ocean of gray

What'm I to pray?

Want to feel free

Just to be me

But the blind can't see.

Once I saw it on the waves.

A floating bull-horn -

Said "Jesus" on the side...

I picked it up

And could talk to God.

Said, "Help this lonely one."

Through the clouds

Burst golden Son

Passing nimbus wisps away.

Jesus, my Friend,

God's only son,

Swept down on me that day.

Fill me with daylight, Lord.

Take away my fear

The ocean still is near.

I want to rest,

Float on my back,

And let you draw me home.

To Find Our Way

2009-03-09T21:50:00.003-04:00

The more I live, the more I realize how much people don't have life figured out. It's actually pretty funny. I watch people on Capitol Hill, my friends and family, my leaders and co-workers, and I'm really beginning to see that everyone is just trying to find their way. I've been waiting for 23 years to figure out life or at least see one of my brothers do it, and my brothers and I just get farther and farther away from a sense of arrival.

The economy has really got me thinking. One little burp in the financial giant that is our country and everyone starts FREAKING out. I'm not saying that its not real and that people haven't lost their jobs. In fact, I'm very close to people who have and I've felt some of the effects as well (and probably more to come). But I am saying that our sense of security is just seriously rocked when we see stuff get out of control. Ironically, people start spending money - and lots of it - when we lose money in order to get the money back. We're probably just digging a deeper hole. But that's just to say we have little control at all in this life, and when confronted with it, we begin to see how very alone we are. Unless there's a God.

If there is no God - you should be scared. Very scared. You should panic. You should. Because there is no one in control. Sure, I guess you could put your faith in Obama or in Rush Limbaugh or someone else, but humans have an astounding track record for failure. I wouldn't bet on any of them - except one. And lucky for us, there is a God. A very kind God. A God who is in control of everything and loves you and me deeper than the ocean, higher than the stars, and farther than the horizon. He has you on his mind at all times and he LOVES you. Don't forget it. Hold on to it. Push it inside your heart and let it warm you there. God loves you and knows exactly what is going on.

He.

Controls.

It.

He.

Loves.

You.

The Voice of Shame

2009-02-04T18:37:00.005-05:00

I am thoroughly convinced that we as humans are so complex in the way that we think, feel, and believe that no man can truly understand himself. Behind each action there is a motive. Behind each motive there is a belief. Behind each belief there are lies, confusions, facts, and figures forming their make-up. And behind each of those rests a multitude of interpreted past experiences that begin the process. I do so many things that have several tiers of behind-the-scenes thought processes I never even see. When I try to keep from sinning, I most of the time deal with the symptom and not the actual problem. Lies fester deep inside and push me to act. I am not even aware of most of that which I act upon.

I have seen in myself the tip of the iceberg - a problem that envelopes much of the symptoms that I usually deal with. False guilt based on the acceptance of myself, others, and a false view of God has been the source of much turmoil in my life the last several years. The symptoms I have often seen flowing out of this guilty conscience are depression and anxiety.

More often than not, I've seen God as a slave-driver, a hard demanding God who expects the best before he will accept me. Countless days I've spent in anxiety over not meeting "God's" standards. When I attended CIU I felt immense pressure to be witnessing everywhere I went. I felt deep inside that if I could witness enough I would gain the approval of God and others. But this guilt was masked in the false representation of scripture that I had learned. I did not know that a quest for approval was at its core. It took me a long time to sort through those feelings - I still am. In highschool I remember a deep spiritual depression as I dealt with recurring sin in my life. I think I felt that if I could not get it under control I would forever be distant from God and his acceptance of me would be only partial. This threw me into depression and shame. It was like a sopping wet, dark blanket covering my existence. I felt horrible. But yet again, the feelings of shame deep inside were explained away with scripture that masked my true reasons for attempting to be righteous - to gain God's favor.

I am just beginning to see how events that God allowed to happen 4 and 5 years ago were meant to teach me about this very thing. The badgering voice of shame has been pushing me to do things out of guilt for as long as I can remember. I would hear, "Go share your faith with that person," and guilt would sweep over me, pushing me to do the thing that would help to chip away at the shame I felt for not sharing my faith enough. My desire these days is to live a life of love, filled with passion for those things that God leads us to do. But I constantly compete with this voice of shame. I seriously used to think it was God telling me to do things - and I wonder why the truths of scripture had trouble sinking in...

Love for God and others needs to drive everything I do. Not the fear of the shame that comes from failure. Here's the thing - God does demand the best before we can be fully accepted. But God has supplied all our needs through Jesus. If you have accepted Jesus, God has FULLY accepted you. With all your problems, all your mistakes, all your confusion and lack of perfection, God has accepted you just the same and loves you more than you can possibly know. God has taken care of the shame through Jesus. I am free. We are free.

A Week of Psalms: Skip-a-Day 6 - Psalm 49

2009-01-17T18:49:00.002-05:00

A simple calling for us to think about how short our lives are. There is an under-tone of the freedom from fear here. I don't have to fear death because through and for God I will live forever. Thank you, God. Help us to be free from detrimental fears, Lord. They reck us relentlessly. Help.

P.S. This is in no way an exposition of this psalm - only my impression.

A Week of Psalms: Day 4 - Psalm 131

2009-01-15T19:49:00.002-05:00

Why does such a small psalm weigh so much in my mind? This psalm is to me what water feels after having gone through the rapids and then reaching that slow stroll found in the wide stretches of the river. It represents to me the point my mind reaches when I've come to the end of an anxious stretch and found again the rest that I ran from. It speaks humility. It calls me to rest in His arms, like a baby with his mother. That is, after all, what we are. We are children in a world of children. The sooner we learn to rest against His chest and stop struggling against His loving grip, the sooner we'll find the comfort that is right in front of us. There are certain things in life that we just cannot know, and to ask "why" only makes it worse. "Why?" is the unanswerable question with many things in life. God's will is that we take what he deals us and hold fast to him. Help me, God, not to question your headship - do as you please. I wish only to follow you.

A Week of Psalms: Day 3 - Psalm 6

2009-01-14T08:00:00.002-05:00

I picture a man laying on a stone slab crying so much that tears are flowing from the edge of the "bed." Everything has lost its color, taste and feel. The world is as depressed as he is. He lies there in his tears waiting for the Lord to do something - just something.

But it ends nicely. Like the dimness of light seen just before the fullness of dawn, David finds hope in the fact that God has heard and will answer his prayer. Lord, give me strength to hold on to what I know is true in the midst of such adversity. Give me trust like I never thought possible.

A Week of Psalms: Day 2 - Psalm 51

2009-01-13T10:09:00.003-05:00

My heart is dripping with this psalm. How can one do it justice? David must have been heaving with sobs when he wrote this. His heart's cry was, "Forgive me, Lord!" Written just after he had committed adultry with the wife of one of his most faithful soldiers, he then murdered said soldier in an attempt to cover up what he'd done. This psalm must have been scribbled down on paper with the utmost agony - repentence spurring it on.

A book could be written on this psalm, but I will focus on a couple verses. I was brought to my knees by these verses at one time. I knew the thing I feared most was about to befall me. Somehow, in my heart, I felt as if the thing I idolized was going to be taken from me. My spirit was about to be shattered, broken into pieces, scattered within my chest, and my strength taken from me. These verses gave me hope:

16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

It was God's desire to break me. It was God's desire to destroy the hold of the world on my heart. It was to be his and his alone. He must destroy me to bring me closer. And closer I came. I still feel the effects of that blow I took to the chest, effects that may or may not leave, but I know I am closer to God now than ever before. This closeness I will never desire to lose. It brings with it peace, joy, and love for Him who broke my heart from what could not satisfy, and turned me toward the Fountain of Life. He will always do this. It will be a continual breaking, a continual discipline. It will be painful, but I will live life to the fullest if I recieve it. Help me, Lord, to rejoice in your discipline. Help me to love you more.

A Week of Psalms: Day 1 - Psalm 4

2009-01-12T21:03:00.003-05:00

No matter what situation you are in, whether in plenty or in lack, true satisfaction and joy are always in God. David starts this Psalm with a request that God would recognize his distress and a recalling of God's faithfulness in the past. Then David moves on to allude to what is causing his distress, presumably someone is defaming his name - harming his reputation. He briefly states that God has chosen him and hears him, and that it is alright to be angry so long as we do not sin and maintain a correct disposition of trust towards God.

Then David makes his point. He displays the fact that there are those crying out to God for some good in the world - that they are in distress because the world is not right and they do not have what they want and that God should do something about it. But here David turns it on its head. In short he says, "You know what? Those guys cry night and day for a little pleasure, a little money, some material thing to give them joy. But I live in the same world they do, and I am yet filled by God with more joy than they have when they possess all the food and wine they want. I lie down at night in peace, and I sleep restful sleep. A sleep filled with the safety only found in God."

God is our peace, our joy, our safety. Turning to the world for comfort will only bring disappointment. Imagine this - you have everything you want. A monstrous house. A fulfilling job that loads your wallet with cash. A significant other who loves you more than you love yourself. And yet you do not have God. You live in emptiness. Your joy is shallow and transient. You feel a constant need for more. Complaints fill your heart. Then picture this - you are totally destitute. You have no job. You live on the street. No money. No love. Nobody. But you have God. You love him dearly. You bask in his love daily. Your heart is not set on the things of earth, but on God, and you find that in the midst of it all, the peace that passes all understanding holds your spirit from utter despair. You know that if tomorrow you die you will see God - you will hug Jesus. You will look in the eyes of him who saved your soul from damnation and who gave you life to the fullest. God, your creator! The one who dreamed you up, who thought about you everyday countless times. Here is our joy. Here is our peace. Here is our safety. God, my God. Our God.

A Pointer

2009-01-04T20:36:00.004-05:00

You are your biggest enemy.

To Hide From The Lord

2008-12-28T23:30:00.003-05:00

Hide me from the Lord.

For I fear him gravely.

Was Adam's first sin-cry.

He made his way behind the trees.

Covering himself inside.

Reach not within my heart.

Don't take what I hold so dear.

My heart cries the same.

I make my way far from the Lord.

I hide myself in vain.

Sin crawls within once more.

I'll take my leave now.

In my heart, I've covered up.

Leaves from trees I hold inside.

Hide me from Your searing love.

Now hear, my heart, the truth is true.

He never sought for your demise.

He'll never leave you on your own.

His love is good, let pain be brought.

For this is how his love is shown.

Discipline me now, my Lord.

Let me not go astray.

For your namesake and yours alone.

Restore me now, my God.

My sin. Your blood. Atone.

Teach Us, Lord, To Number Our Days

2008-12-12T13:34:00.002-05:00

The news of my father's heart attack sat heavy on my heart. But that burden was soon lifted when we heard that it was simply the flu or some similar bug. However, during that time, Psalm 90 caught my attention.

"The years of our life are 70, or even by reason of strength 80; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away... So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

Two days ago I found out that my grandpa had a heart attack. They took him to the hospital and found out that he had a pneumonia as well. On my way to see him today, I was told the news. Grandpa passed away. He's with the Lord now.

"So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

I Was That Man

2008-11-07T18:58:00.002-05:00

Savior of the world.

I am none but yours.

The soldier who pierced your side must have lived his life with such a metaphor in his mind. I don’t know why, but though he knew you to be dead, he picked up the spear in his hand, and thrust it into your side. He was the one whom you chose to fulfill the scripture, “they will look on him whom they pierced.” The flow of blood and water must have slightly startled him. It seems metaphorical to me, Lord. This flow of blood and water - the blood, your grace, the water, your spirit - speaks directly of your character. Though humanity rejected you and even pierced your son, your response to all of our sin is the offer of grace and the gift of your spirit. It just blows my mind. If this soldier came to the truth, I imagine he had little trouble seeing his need for your grace and how it was his sins that you died for. Throughout his life, when confronted with his sin, he had that picture of you in his mind, Lord. The picture of his savior, whom he pierced. Beaten, torn, mistreated, disrespected, spit upon, with nails driven through his wrists - Jesus, lifted up before the soldier's eyes, speaking grace and peace to his soul.

Jesus, I was that man. I pierced your side. That pool of water and blood at my knees - it speaks to me. It was I who sent you to the cross shouting, “We have no king but Caesar!” I was jealous of you, Lord. I wanted to be exalted, and in my pride I condemned you. But I am your redeemed. I am your re-creation. That pool of water and blood at my knees - it speaks of your love for me. I don’t understand it. I will never get it, but I know I have it. And I love you, Jesus. I never ever want to leave you.

Savior of the world.

I am none but yours.

Resting Place

2008-11-03T21:57:00.003-05:00

I used to think that the reason I was certain to marry was because my heart needed a “resting place.” I constantly bounced from girl to girl in my heart, so I assumed that if I finally found the one girl whom I would date and then marry, my heart would rest from its ceaseless pursuit of what it could not get. The phrase, “resting place,” is very complex in meaning and I think I misled myself through it. While it would be nice to find a wife, and I think my heart would rest in her love to some degree, she would fail at times. And this goes for guys too. I do not claim to be an expert to any degree as it pertains to relationships, but I do know that the one talent everyone possesses is the ability to fail. That said, I misled myself through the phrase, “resting place,” because I was missing the true resting place in my life. There is no earthly thing that can be a real resting place. Everything here is temporary. Everything is flawed. I am flawed, and the only resting place for a flawed being is a perfect resting place - a place that would remain strong in the midst of the turmoil this world brings as well as the turmoil that I would bring upon my resting place. Even if my so called resting-place of a wife was perfect for a time, assuming I finally found her, I know that my mistakes and failures would be sure to pull her down off the clouds into a fully human, imperfect, mud-slinging brawl.

Jesus is our resting place.

I am a seedling in this idea, and I’m pretty sure that God has been laying a foundation for me to learn this over the last eight years. As I went from girl to girl, pain upon pain, rejection building bitterness in my mind, it came to one final blow near the end of college. This final pain crushed my heart’s pursuit of happiness and obliterated my chance at finding my heart’s resting place in her. It hurt. I have never felt such a weight on my chest, such a heavy blow to the gut, as I felt at that time. The Lord’s discipline is painful, sometimes brutal. But, wow, I am so thankful he crushed me. I don’t quite yet understand the fullness of what happened during that time, and I may never understand, but I am now resting despite my lack of understanding. There is a joy I have found resting in Jesus alone - letting him take care of me. My heart has finally found its resting place, a place I never want to leave. Ever. My Jesus. My friend. I am not perfect in my rest, but he is the perfect resting place, always ready to carry the toils and struggles of this world and my heart. And I know that if even tomorrow I depart from this perfect rest, deceived yet again to find another, he is always calling me to come back again, to lay my problems down and rest.

Life

2008-10-28T21:59:00.003-04:00

I just need to rest. In my heart. In my mind. Give it all to God. Let Him be God. I’ve found that even intellectual ideas can be made into an idol. I somehow thought that if I could figure it all out, I’d be God. Well, maybe not consciously, but somehow knowing it all became a god for me. If I could just figure it out, then I’d have control over the outcome. Then I’d know what to say and when to say it and I’d never ever make a mistake. I’d be perfect. Perfect enough to pass all scrutiny. No one would ever have anything against me, and I could rest in myself because I knew it all. And there was no reason to get upset if someone disagreed with me, because I was right. But all this is ludicrous and untrue, because its impossible. There is no one who has it all together, and no one who’s always right. Only God. I made being right an idol. I’m sorry, Lord. Help me to repent and believe that all I need to know is that you know it all. Make this solid in my heart. I got tired because I tried to know it all on my own. Only you know all things, Lord. And I can rest in that.

And another thing - I’ve found that God has frustrated my search for happiness in knowledge in order to lead me to greater happiness. Life lived to the fullest is found in God alone. Life is so much easier to bear when you let go of the weights you’ve been dragging along. In all its manifest glory, life, shed of all its skins of deceit, destruction, and idolatry, can be found only when we glorify Him who is worthy of all praise and we drop our inconceivably ironic pride. What kind of bookshelf would feel that it should be praised over its constructor who filled its shelves with books? What kind of football thinks it should be praised for the touchdowns it participated in? What kind of pen believes that it should be given credit for the book that was written? ...What kind of moronic fool would believe that he should be praised for anything he has done? Yet I do this all the time. We tinker with the dirt, wood and metal God created and gave to us, calling ourselves gods. If we can get beyond this, get beyond ourselves and see God, then we will find what we’re looking for. We’ll find that He is what we’ve been searching for all along. Lord, melt my heart in your hands and pour it into your mold. Though the pain nearly kills me, yet I will live greater.

These days...

2008-10-14T21:13:00.005-04:00

These days...

I say this to denote change from then, however vague that sounds, until now.

These days...

I am still recovering from the opinionated bombardment I was given at CIU. I cannot say whether it was good or bad - all I can say is that my mind was broken when I was through. In some ways it had to be good for me to find out I was wrong, or at least that I could be wrong, on a great many things. But where I am at now is almost a place of concession when it comes to the intellectual world. Everywhere I go I am confronted with ideas, hundreds of ideas, from absolutely brilliant people, that I absolutely disagree with. And it is very clear in my mind that they are wrong. I cannot help asking myself, though, "how could they be wrong when they are so smart?" And a subsequent question, "if they are wrong on this point, what else are they wrong about?" These questions boggle my mind, shaking things up to the point of standstill in my mind. I cannot take a stance. "What if I'm wrong? I cannot be smarter than that other guy... So how could I be right? But I don't think I'm wrong... It makes so much sense..." But I've grown so accustomed to being wrong or missing some moot point that I cannot seem to make an intellectual decision on things. But then I have to ask myself, "Is a rock-solid intellectual position always necessary? If not, when? How will I know when I need to be 'dogmatic'?" This is just the place I'm at. I have a million questions to ask, but almost no answers it seems. Some would say this is wise, but I feel lost sometimes. Who knows...

Comments On A Book I Haven't Written

2008-09-29T22:25:00.007-04:00

Sometimes I wish I could write a fiction novel or short story about God interacting with me or some other character. I would write the God of the Bible into this book as best as I could - and I think I could make it interesting. But I'm scared to. I'm scared that I don't understand God enough to accurately portray Him. I'm afraid that I would put words in His mouth and possibly lead people astray. It's a dangerous thing, portraying God in fiction. I wonder if he would be OK with me doing it...

In this novel, God would come to me and speak to me directly in multiple events. He would tell me that He loves me dearly and had chosen me for some special task, and I, of course, in my valiant glory, would accept the task - or maybe I would complain that I'm not capable of what he'd chosen me for... Ya. Probably the latter. Anyway, God would speak in plain, clear language about how he's known me for as long as I'd lived, and then he'd bring up some past event I'd nearly forgotten and tell me how he was there for me during it.

But God hasn't worked that way with me during my spiritual lifetime. He's been nothing but a mysterious, good-willed, someone who seems to follow me around everywhere. I can't explain him. I can barely describe him. And, as of yet, I hardly know him. So while I know I love him, even still, how could I write a book about him?

I am the stupidest sheep to walk this planet. Of that I'm sure, with the exception of a little exaggeration to make a point. At any rate, this is why I am scared to write a novel containing God. He's too big. Too grand. Too unpredictable for me to conceive of the actions he might take in a situation I've constructed in my sheep-brained head. 'Nuff said.

Not no troubles - just less.

2008-09-21T22:08:00.004-04:00

Something about the way I'm wired - I never get too excited about right decisions. So when it's time to move out, the right time, I tend to just accept it and get down to business. But when I get in an excited frenzy and go looking to buy a condo or a house or get an apartment and I have this burning in my chest, it usually means that I'm taking a step in the wrong direction or stepping too soon. I almost bought a motorcycle during the same kind of heart-burning rush-fest once. It was going to be $2000 dollars and really fuel efficient. It was supposed to give me transportation because I didn't have a car at the time and thought I didn't have enough money to get one. But I couldn't carry my guitar and would die a painful death if it rained or someone maliciously cut me off. Through many talks with people wiser than me I eventually got to the place where I let it go, and I soon after found myself driving a '94 5-speed civic ex coupe in great condition soon after. Oh, and did I mention it cost $2000? And I didn't buy it in a frenzy heart-burning-fest either. I found it after searching a long time. I thought it through, talked the guy down, and bought the car without getting too excited. I don't know if anyone else is like this, but this is just my personality. As of right now, I am in the process of moving out. I'm not excited. I'm not dreading it. I'm not even thinking too deep about it. I know there will be fun times, and I'll feel a rush of freedom sometimes too. But I'll also get frustrated with my roommate after he leaves a tower of dirty dishes in the sink, and I'll get the feeling that this freedom I feel is actually slavery to the many complexities this life has in store. So, all this to say, when I'm pretty calm-hearted about a decision - not too happy, excited, anxious, or dreadful - it usually is a good one. * note - this doesn't mean that a good decision won't bring troubles along with it - just less troubles :)

Bring on the tough times. Bring on the pain. Life means rough roads. Thanks, Adam and Eve. You're the greatest.

Love, James.

Don't Read This Post

2008-09-10T22:57:00.003-04:00

In the same way that you are reading this post now, trying to stop sinning by daily dwelling on it will only lead to frustration. "Don't sin. Don't sin." You tell yourself. Don't think about a zebra. You just thought of a zebra. Flesh will fail you, will power lets you down. I've been so frustrated time and time again that I'm not who I should be. I constantly fail - constantly. There is little else that I know as well as the fact that I am a sinful man. But another thing I know well is that I cannot free myself. I continually am bought back to my knees in humble request to the Lord that he give me victory. If someone asked me - "James, I'm struggling with a particular sin that I can't seem to beat. What do I do?" - all I could think to say would be, "Look to Jesus." That's it. Hold tight to him. We are sinful. If you ever begin to think that you are not in much need of God's grace anymore, prepare to be humbled as God opens your eyes a lot wider than you would have wished for. But you are forgiven. Your sins are gone. They're done for. Hold on tight to Jesus, you are saved. Don't ever take your eyes off of Him to look at your sin - this will not help you defeat it.

Which is worse?

2008-08-18T10:36:00.003-04:00

Which is worse, the sin or the beating up of oneself over the sin you believe to be covered by Christ? I'd have to say the latter. It is a detriment to God's grace and is thus worse than the sin itself. The sin will magnify God's grace in the end. The guilty self-abuse will beat down God's grace. Don't do it.

Christ Jesus, My God.

2008-07-30T11:13:00.003-04:00

Christ Jesus, my God. You command every step I am about to take. Everything has happened and will happen according to your perfect plan. You are so mysterious. I cannot give you any information you do not know, but you consistently ask me questions. I'm like the disciples on the road to Emmaus. After opening their hearts to you, you made as if you were leaving them so that they would ask you to come with them. Jesus, please come with me. I ask you to invade my mind and teach me everything you know. When I lay my head on my pillow at night, I want to sleep on your shoulder. When I eat breakfast in the morning, I want to digest your word. When I'm playing my guitar, I want to communicate your peace. When my heart breaks, I want you to hold the pieces. Jesus, take this mess of a person that I am and do whatever you do. I have no hope but that I have in you. You are my headlamp in this cave of a world. You are my oasis in this desert of a place. Take me, Lord. I'll follow.

Value

2008-07-29T21:13:00.003-04:00

busboy...

janitor...

bag-boy...

army reserves...

guy who plays the triangle...

gym teachers...

really old people...

assembly line worker...

bench warmer...

The eyes of man will pick and choose

Those that have less than little worth.

But the hazy glaze through which we see

Can't tell a fella' from the dirt road he walks.

Humans, born anew and old ones too,

See with ink filled eyes.

We write names on people,

Knowing as much about them as they know us.

Yet fists come up when they do the same.

Servant...

Helper...

Encourager...

Follower...

Giver...

Least of all...

"the first shall be last, and the last shall be first."

- My Friend

Reminders

2008-07-20T16:56:00.002-04:00

I'm compelled to remind myself of my place in Christ. He has found me - I was lost. He recreated me - what once was old is now new. I am God's adopted child, through his grace I have obtained kinship with my Lord Jesus Christ. My Father loves me with all his being. He would do anything for me - even have his son beaten, torn, and murdered for my sake. Our sake... This foolish people. We lie to ourselves and lie to each other. We are filled with those things that God hates, and yet he still loved us enough to die for us. What love is this!? Where is it from? A love like this causes the knees of strong men to shatter as they fall on their faces in awe. It consistently dumbfounds the old and makes children jump for joy. How could God love something so screwed up and so willing to run away from Him this much!? I don't know and I will never know. All I know is that I see his love the most clearly when I screw up and he still pursues me and loves me dearly. I love Him so much too, but not nearly as much as he loves me. He is so patient. So patient. So faithful...

This mirror I love to look in

Shows me my faults.

I collapse under the pressure.

God asks me to stand,

And I do.

I look again,

This time its Jesus.

Trueness - I see myself clearly.

He is in me and I in Him.

We are one.

He has already lived my life.

I died when He and I became one.

From June 16, 2008

2008-07-15T21:44:00.003-04:00

A pure rest.

I am blessed,

To spend this hour,

This one single hour,

Even as it comes and goes,

In the peace of God our

Father.

I am calm.

Joy filled heart.

Today I saw my old self,

In my brother Jonny.

To him its hopeless.

To me I see the moment as one more to

Jesus.

We will grow,

Though its slow.

One blink at a time

We begin to see Him

More clearly, Love Him dearly.

Help us to see, grow, and learn I pray,

Holy Spirit.

Water and Blood

2008-06-17T21:35:00.005-04:00

A pool of water and blood at my knees,
Christ, the timeless lamb, stabbed, beaten for me.
His wrists nailed to wood, His back ripped apart.
Water and blood drip from His feet to me.

I'll play a major, no minor chords for now.
Jesus is my savior, I am not down.
To mourn his death would be to hate his life
He came to die that we might live again.

God opens the mountains, lets the peace flow.
Your sins have gone by. Done. Away.
The grace of God do not nullify
With your many doubts and whys.
He is on your side.
He bled his grace and your peace.

Grace and peace to you, Jesus gave it all.
Let it be yours, winter spring summer fall.
To beat yourself up would push Jesus down.
His grace will never end, it is your crown.

Jesus, I'm Tired (Earlier This Year)

2008-06-05T19:27:00.002-04:00

Crying, Crying, Crying
My spirit has lost its lift.
I'm back where I was,
caught in the drift, sinking sand I sift.

Sinking, Sinking, Sinking
Losing control of myself.
My strength has broken,
I am not well, on my face I fell.

Jesus, I'm tired. Jesus, hear me.
Hand in hand, mine in yours,
Pull me out of my fearful misery.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
My first friend, yet always last.
Faithful in the past,
You're there for me to your dying breath.

Savior, Savior, Savior
Bled his blood so willingly.
Pierced his side for me.
He, filled with love, took my death as his.

Jesus, I'm tired. Jesus, hear me.
Hand in hand, mine in yours,
Pull me out of my fearful misery.

There is one who'll listen,
And hear the cracking heart.
Feel, know, see, simply
Understand why we hurt,
Why we cry. In your hands we lie,
Our Jesus.

Jesus, I'm tired. Jesus, hear me.
Hand in hand, mine in yours,
Pull me out of my fearful misery.

The Tongue is a Fire

2008-06-02T20:11:00.003-04:00

Frightening fires, fueled by the flames of the tongue,
Consuming those loosing their lightning quick lungs...

Cities and towers of Babel are sprung,
And murder and war alike will become
When words are not tamed and gates come undone.

The mouth is the gate, words are the fire,
Don't follow the bait, your heart is a liar.
Your fire is only for setting ablaze
That which is holy and right in God's gaze.

My Christian brothers and sisters, we must be careful of what we say. Our tongue is a gift to be used for God's glory. We must serve Him with it, not ourselves. My prayer is that we would be a blessing to those around us, our speech being like pure water to those who have never tasted a good word before. Father, we need the self-control only your Holy Spirit can give. Help us to walk in your Spirit and so carry out the desires of the Spirit - not the desires of our flesh. We need you desperately, myself certainly as much as anyone. Please bless us with the ability to bless those you love. God, help us all.

Satan's Choir

2008-05-22T00:43:00.002-04:00

If someone had dragged
A razor blade jagged
Across the both of my eyes,

It would not amount
However you count
To allergies' pain suprise.

Silent but deadly,
Pollen's a medley-
Songs sung by Satan's choir.

Pain's poems come easy,
My nose is so sneezy,
And my eyes burn like white fire.

So if you relate,
Come join in the hate
Of Spring's old allergy fate.

Our Walk

2008-05-05T22:02:00.002-04:00

Mystery surrounds prayer.
Prayer surrounds mystery.

Therein lies dependence on God.

Twin Musicians

2008-04-03T22:58:00.004-04:00

At one time there were two musicians, twins, with extraordinary talent. Upon entering the world, however, an angel of God told the parents of the twins that while the two boys would always be the most talented musicians ever born to mankind, they could only ever be as good as the opinion of who was listening. If the opinion of the populace was negative about the musicians, they would be heard as poor musicians, and the opposite would also be true. This presented the musicians with an obvious problem - how would they ever be heard as good if no one could ever hear and proclaim their greatness without already having a positive opinion? One of the twins sought to solve this problem by constantly going around and proclaiming his musical talent to everyone, hoping that when he finally played his instrument in public the people would hear astounding music in their ears because of their already high opinion of the man. The other twin saw the problem as an impossible dilemma and just decided to enjoy his love of music. He spent his time playing his instrument on the rocks resting on the hillside. Sometimes he would face east, and play to the sunrise, and other times he would play and farewell lullaby to the sunset. At the very least, he greatly enjoyed himself.
One day the first twin finally decided to unveil his playing to the public. He held an open concert in the middle of the town square for all to see. He began to play his most difficult and beautiful song. His fingers ran up and down the instrument playing it with the poise and fluidity of a well-trained dancer. The song was complex yet simple, speaking a melody meant for the heart, a structure meant for the mind. He played it perfectly. But the crowd hated it. In fact, they had already come to hate the musician because of his constant and almost belligerent self-exaltation. The song sounded as shrill as a fork scraping a clay pot, and everyone began to openly talk bad about the musician.
One boy, also agitated at the horrible sounds he just heard, saw the other twin off on the rocks playing his instrument. While he couldn't hear what was being played he thought that the music must be better than what he just heard, so he walked towards the other twin. As the musician saw the boy approaching from far off he quit playing. But the boy insisted that he continue, so the musician began to play. He chose a simple song, not to showy and yet beatiful in its minimalism. Angelic whispers. The boy nearly fell on his face. It was as if the sounds of spring rains in the fields, the complex colors of a rainbow formed by the mist of waterfall, and the rush of wind through the forest had all been stewed together to form this glorious music that he was hearing. His heart was instantly filled with peace and passion. He immediately ran back to town and started proclaiming the musician's greatness.
You see, he who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.

Owen

2008-02-27T22:54:00.002-05:00

I read a bedtime story to my friend's kid last night. He kept looking up at me, bewildered, I'm guessing, at the extreme amount of hair on my face and head. He'd never seen anything like it, I bet. Owen is his name - and he makes my heart light. So simple. Babies give me a clear view of myself. He was so happy to see me smile and it gave him such joy to throw a ball at the ground. He reached up and grabbed a handful of my beard and I just laughed. So cool.

Now is Good Enough

2008-02-21T16:10:00.002-05:00

The gentle breeze of spring whispers my heart to sleep - though air is chill against my skin. A warmth resides within me now. My heart is beating steadily, like the steady pulse of ripples on a lake shore. Why wonder if this will last forever when now is all that matters? I'm here. Right now. A field of corn, warm in the sun.
A high-stepping dog dancing in the green grass.
A beautiful girl, smiling, beckoning me to take her hand.
Life is good for now. And now is good enough for me.

A Pleasant Suprise

2008-02-06T19:41:00.000-05:00

Wow. Life is actually good right now... My mind is at ease. My heart is tranquil.
Thank God.

Slavery to the Cold

2008-01-15T20:45:00.000-05:00

A rush of wind blew past my hair, pulling it with it as it went. Where it was going I can't say. I wish I could. It just left me there. It turned me around. Now I stared it down as it pulled leaves and flags and dust along. My heart has a magnetic pull towards the wind now. It's that north-south attraction. What the wind has my heart wants and what my heart wants the wind has. Yet the wind is not happy with what it has and wants what my heart holds. My heart wants freedom, the wind wants attachment - to be tied down and come to know something deeply for once, not just a quick glimpse here and a glance there. My heart longs for that wind-like freedom to be free from what attachment brings. And we all know what this world brings so readily with attachment. But there the wind went and it left me with a warm stillness as the sun gently removed the absence of the heat it had previously placed. The wind can take the warmth right out of you. It is not a warmth-loving, winter friend. Instead, it is quite cold and never enjoys the feeling of heat slowly pouring inward till your bones are full. The wind looks free, but does not portray that which is really true. It will lead you on and on and on. To no end.
In the end, freedom from attachment is slavery to the cold, bondage to chills.

Raisinmen and Raisinwomen

2007-12-12T10:11:00.000-05:00

If the world was made of raisins, wouldn't it be cool? Everyone would walk around like raisins. Then the sun would dry everything out even more and we'd all be crispy raisins. I wonder how we'd taste. If we tasted good, we'd all be cannibals and run around squeaking or buzzing - or whatever sound raisin vocal chords make - trying to devour one another. But in eating one another we would merely trade raisins as our bellies filled up with each other. That would be cool. I don't know how creative we could be for Halloween costumes though. Ten bucks says everyone would dress up in a raisin box and then wonder why everyone else was a copy-cat. But then again someone could dress up as a grandpa. Or a pug. Or deer turds... Never mind the bet's off. But there would have to be a lack of originality to some degree. What I'm curious about is what Raisinman fart would smell like. Raisins? Celery? Chicken? Crap? That'd be cool to find out one day. What would a hot Raisinwoman look like? Would she be super wrinkly or super smooth like a fresh grape plucked from the vine? I think she'd be super wrinkly. And she'd get hotter as she got older. Yeah. That'd be great. I bet raisin babies smell like vinegar. Yep. They would definitely smell like vinegar. After they stopped smelling like vinegar, they would start to smell like rotting grapes, and then when they finally grew up they would smell like the white scum that lies putridly under your toenails. Yeah. But the Raisinwomen would smell like prune juice and the Raisinmen would think its hot. Raisinmen would always try to cover up their stank by spraying various flavors of raisin body spray on themselves but it wouldn't help. Even the "Lucky Wrinkle Musk" meant to help you score big time would only make you smell vaguely similar to McDonald's Big Mac with salsa. But the Raisinwomen wouldn't really mind because the Raisinmen had nice rounded shoulders and cute wrinkly butts which they got super wrinkly if they worked out. They would go to the gym to get what they call their "wrink" on. The Raisinmen come out of the gym looking like a Doritoes bag that's been put in the microwave - super compact and wrinkly. The more wrinkles, the hotter you are. That's why the Raisinwomen would go to the beach all the time - to get their wrink on as well. You might be called "a smooth-faced square-shouldered seal" by a Raisinbiker you pulled out in front of on the freeway and you might be so insulted as to run him over. Oh well, that Raisinbiker had it coming anyway... Yeah, Raisinpeople are sweet. Really cool people. I would enjoy their presence right now if I could. I'd have a Raisinwoman over and comment on how wrinkly she was and then she'd be flattered but disgusted that such a smooth guy was hitting on her. Then I might try worrying a lot and getting some of that cream that the Worf guy on Star Trek used on his head in order to make her like me. She'd eventually fall in love with my super wrinkly scalp and wonder why she ever rejected me in the first place. Yeah. That'd be the day. Good times. Good times...

Scribbles From The Helpless

2007-12-03T21:33:00.001-05:00

A couple roads.
Both for people you know.
One meant for friends.
Another meant for one.
The first is tame.
Walk casually, do...
Two - straight, true.
Though death awaits many.

If you find yourself frustrated with broken relationship. Join the millions...
That second road is not meant to be backtracked - neither, actually. But we find ourselves trying to make sense of the broken relationships we have. People are blamed for being jerks for not continuing relationship with those whom they have broken themselves from, but it is all just an attempt to make sense of the web we have create for ourselves. When we "break up," we are doing something I'm sure that God hates. He hates broken relationship. However, in a world where commitment is about as scarce as integrity, sometimes the only thing to do is to say "goodbye" - outside marriage of course. Dating is about as sane as telling a newborn to go find a job. Its about as safe as walking a tightrope without a net beneath. In a world where the helpless find themselves trying to help each other, that world is one of pain, one of turmoil. A world filled with broken relationship. Broken hearts. Crazy, helpless, breathless, sweaty, bloody, bleeding hearts crawling towards each other crying out for help from the helpless. We are humans. Welcome to our world.

You won't find what you are looking for here. Not with your eyes you won't. Look backwards and upside down. Look inside out and outside in. Only then, when you learn to be blind, will you finally start to see. Train yourself to see blind - then you will see what is there for you. Rather, let the Spirit train you. Just lose faith in your eyes and let Him see for you. Pluck out your eyes, and put His in.

James Brush

2007-11-26T15:26:00.001-05:00

He's a deep thinker. He doesn't like big crowds. He's content to be in the background. He wants everything he does to be done well. He's clean. He's nice, but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. He's not quick to anger, but when he gets angry, he really feels it. He's quick to repent, but messes up a lot. He's terrified of God. He loves God. James feels strong when he comes across an unexpected situation that calls for his leadership. Pressure usually causes James to bristle up and get down to business. James certainly has an emotional side, but it usually reveals itself in stuff normal people wouldn't get emotional about. James loves art reflecting the human spirit and things pertaining to the human predicament. He can't figure out whether he's been gifted in many ways or if he has one gift of learning quick that manifests itself in many ways. People tend to look up to James, though he can't comprehend why. What he says has weight. James is decently confident in himself and comes across even more confident than he actually is to other people. He lies awake at night thinking - a lot. Any emotion he feels, he feels it intensely. It bothers James that he can't get his mind around guy/girl relationships. He loves it when people are consistent and make sense. Dogs and small warm animals are James' bane - you could distract him quite easily with one of these. James is otherwise pretty focused. He wishes to have his heart completely in whatever he does. If his heart is not in it, he can scarcely do it. James loves to have a few select friends that he always hangs out with. James is God's child. James is looked after by God. God has an innumerable amount of thoughts about James each day, though James scarcely thinks it so. God and James have been walking along life's road now for about 8 yrs. God has been leading him, however, for 22. God loves James dearly, with all his heart. James loves God more than anything and can't wait to get to heaven and see Jesus face to face. God lives inside James and James inside God. God is James' best friend - long suffering, abundant in love, never ending in kindness, and perfect in every way. So if you really want to know who James truly is, he recommends that you look at Jesus.

My Name is Math Problem

2007-11-08T13:05:00.000-05:00

What makes the rain fall?
The water cycle...
What causes the sun to rise each morning?
The rotation of the earth upon its axis...
Why do the leaves turn beautiful colors in Autumn?
The tilting of the earth on its axis causing a temperature change, thus killing the leaves...

No. Christ holds all things together. This means that every day you wake up and the sun has faithfully come up, it was His faithfulsness and His mercy to give us another day. His love. Christ tilts the earth faithfully each year to give us a change, to open our eyes to more beauty. Its His gift. His love.

"Hi. My name is Math Problem. Who am I you ask? I am merely a naturalistic attempt to understand the world. What God faithfully does, I call a 'law' - because I miss the big picture. I put symbols and signs to stuff I see in nature in order to make sense of them, but I completely leave God out of the picture and thus make your life meaningless. Welcome to my world."

Proverb #2

2007-10-30T12:21:00.000-04:00

A complaining man's work is never done.

A Question

2007-10-25T17:45:00.001-04:00

If the fall of man was a sound, what would it be?

(sample answer: a siren)

Dating

2007-10-23T12:09:00.000-04:00

The man who dreamed up dating will go down in history as the biggest fool the world ever knew.

Unseen Sun

2007-10-15T22:37:00.000-04:00

Dense, red, horizons fill my mind.
Whether they are dawns or day's death,
I suppose I cannot now know.

There, in my mind, ideas form
Silhouettes against their background,
Ebony forms of faceless thoughts.

I cannot see but black and red,
"Unseen sun, are you spry or slain?"
I suppose I cannot now know.

Of A Feather

2007-10-11T10:34:00.000-04:00

While weak set needy foot toward strong,
And money more can draw the poor,

Frozen rain and chiller breeze

Heads all who chirp in song along,
To leave at once for southern shore.

The Artist's Spirit

2007-10-09T15:45:00.000-04:00

Those of you who wish to be an artist, know this:
The artist's heart is one of enormous passion and intensity.Within it is the capacity to greatly feel love, joy, and pain. Those of you who wish to be an artist, do not envy, only appreciate. For if you were an artist, you might consider yourself cursed.

Pacific Sea

2007-10-07T20:00:00.000-04:00

Soaring.
With bird's eye view I look below.
High above the earth, forests, and the rivers,
My knees are nowhere near the ground.
It's cool up here.
The clouds basting moisture upon my skin
While I gently bake in the sun.

Winding, twisting, turning, climbing,
Highways traverse through the little mountains.
Mist pours over the top of the gorge,
Like a waterfall taking its time.
I find it beautiful, intriguing even,
But leaving trees in clumps below,
I fly on through cozy clouds with gentle glow.

To the middle of Pacific Sea I flew. Serenity.
I played tag with the clouds, But soon I knew
I would have to land on the little stand
That stood in the middle of Pacific Sea.
Like a spire it stood,
A tall piece of land not a foot wide,
Miles high, crowned atop with moss.

So I flew down towards the piece of land,
Floating gently,
gliding low towards my soft moss stand.
Two feet side by side, arms stretched out wide,
Staring straight ahead into eternity
A yawning sun behind
Now, amidst Pacific Sea, I'll rest my mind.

Process

2007-10-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

Underneath the rock are grubs and bugs,
Underneath the grass lies worms and roots,
Underneath mountains lies precious jewels,
So, dig, dig, dig and soon you'll see,
The farther you've gone the more you'll be.

Ten long years I labored toward gain.
Two after one, and five after four,
Days past on till beginning's long gone.
Sometimes it felt as if in vain
Though patience paid moon's wax and wane.

As I sit and reflect on no regret,
Fingers flying up and down neck,
Melodious song rich and sweet,
I think of ten years with no retreat.

One, two, try till three,
Four, five, strain till six,
Seven, eight, be calm and wait,
Nine, ten, here comes the end.

Stretch, catch, grow, flow,
Go and know you'll reap
What you sow.

Three Trees

2007-09-23T19:44:00.000-04:00

His eyes moved back and forth over the woven top of the lamp stand that was before him. There was little else to do. Once his eyes had their fill of the criss-crossing madness, he got up from his seat and proceeded outside where he set foot in what was once his backyard. I only say "what was once" because what the boy now stood in was in no way similar to what used to be in his backyard. Normally there would have been a gentle slope to the road below and beautiful, tall trees dotted about the yard. There would have been a dogwood tree to his left, a charred fire-pit on a patio in front of him, and a small hill to his right that when crossed over led to a quaint pond at the bottom of the slope. There was now a vast jungle before his eyes - dark and foreboding. He beheld enormous trees with very dark, nearly black bark covered in vines . Thick, suffocating, and glossy green undergrowth was spread out before him.

But one aspect of the scene caught his eye in particular. Three trees, magnificent and just plain gigantic, stood not to far from him. These trees stood out in relation to the rest of the scene. Vines strung between the trees had wrapped themselves in so complex a formation that the trees were seemingly holding hands. But these trees did not look friendly. Nor relaxed. No, quite the opposite actually. They had an ominous feel to them. Like a raging river in the midst of a storm.

The boy stood there for a long time. He did not know what to think. He couldn't think. So he slapped himself. The trees were still there. He closed shut his eyes as hard as he could, then opened them. Still there. He slapped himself again - hard enough to create a ringing noise in his ear. The three dark trees still stood before him. They seemed to be gazing at him, staring intently down at him. A heaviness fell upon the boy, gripping his heart and constraining his chest. His breaths became short and quick. Perspiration dripped from his temples as his cold, clammy hands wiped the sweat from his eyes. The trees were crushing him. He fell to his hands and knees, gasping for air, trying to take just one good breath, but it wasn't working. There began to be a tingling in his fingertips and at the end of his nose. In a rush of panic the boy's chest heaved again and again and again desperately attempting to supply oxygen to his burning lungs. He couldn't breathe! He couldn't breathe! The boy tried to call for help but to no avail. He did not now have even enough oxygen to move, and falling to the ground the boy's vision went black.

When he awoke the boy found himself face to face with a being one can barely describe. Eyes of fire. Skin of light. Shadowless. All that surrounded the boy was brilliant white. He was no longer in the jungle.

The being's eyes caught the boy's special attention. It is said that eyes are the window to the soul. Well, let me tell you that behind these eyes was a universe. A vast and unending expanse of such proportions to make the recipient of their gaze crawl into a hole and never return should they display anger. But these eyes did not contain anger. Despite the fear they instilled, the eyes surprisingly conveyed serenity and even a sense of care to the boy. He felt calm. Protected.

Then the being spoke. "Do not be afraid, and do not let fear grip your heart. I am here and I am strong. Remember. Remember." The words were strong, stronger than strong. The sound of His voice made the boy's knees weak. He stood completely still but could no longer look at the being. His knees grew weaker. He felt he must bow before the one with eyes of fire. As soon as his knees hit the ground, the scene changed back to the jungle, and there the three trees stood.

Somewhat shaken, yet uncannily calm, the boy found himself just outside his back door, amidst the same jungle that had surprised him before. Still on his knees, he took a long gaze at the jungle - the thick undergrowth, the foreboding three trees, and the surrounding wild - then he got up and went inside.

Through A Glass Darkly

2007-09-11T18:48:00.000-04:00

The one thing that I can most perfectly rationalize is that I am infinitely stupid, and even this is a work of conjecture.

The Sinful Man

2007-09-04T19:05:00.000-04:00

There was once a man who lived by himself, and by himself the man worked and worked, hoping to one day reach perfection. Everywhere he went he pointed out the wrong in others because it was so blatantly obvious to him. People were stupid - that was matter of fact. This man even had one person in particular that he felt he knew the most about. He knew everything that was wrong with this person and they had no clue of their problems. The man thought that he had most everything about his life together and he went before God often with boldness to report his daytime deeds. Standing before the throne of God, he prayed vehemently for those he saw the wrong in and asked God to help them see the light. One day, the man found himself strangely tempted by a sin that had since past him by. He gave in. The same happened the next day and for weeks after that. Guilt filled the man to the brink and poured itself into a depression. The man continually struggled with the sin; he found it extremely difficult to overcome. He stopped going before God's throne. He no longer took the walk into heaven to see his Father. After a while Jesus went to the man. He was filled with love for this man, yet grieved over the distance the man had put between them. Jesus asked the man, "Why have you stopped coming to see me?" Terrified, legs shaking, tears welling up in his eyes, the man fell down before Jesus and said, "I have sinned against you Jesus. I am no longer worthy to be in your presence..."

Jesus replied, "Yes, you have sinned, but remember the first day you came to me. Think back. Why did you come to me?"

"I needed your forgiveness..." the man said, now sobbing heavily, clutching Jesus' feet. "Please forgive me now," he cried.

Jesus, crouching down, touching the man's shoulder, looking intently into the man's eyes with tears in his own, he said, "What was true when you first came to me is still true today - I forgive you."

LOOK AT ME

2007-08-28T10:09:00.000-04:00

Four Leaf Clover,
You lied.

Painful Years

2007-08-23T08:50:00.001-04:00

To find a way when wind blows fierce,
Know wisdom's won in painful years.

Peace of mind alludes at night.
Black thickness of a falling sky,
The balding moon, so white, so pale,
Act II, this moon, she plays the veil
Till wiser ones and children yawn
To start anew this double dawn.

Its hard to live in pain, he said,
When all you see is spattered red.
This simple song of singing lark
Is noise when paired with broken heart.
But sharp is mind and wise is wit
When wisdom's flame by pain is lit.

To find a way when wind blows fierce,
Know wisdom's won in painful years.

Plantation House

2007-08-16T23:31:00.000-04:00

If you look out the window I'm right beside, you'll find a tall, stately white house filled with years. The street light is reflecting off its white-washed side in stark contrast to the darkness surrounding it. It's night now. The house looks so peaceful. Well set within its foundation, this house has been there a while. It has seen masters come and go and several slave's sickles throw. It has been there a while. Time and this house, they are friends. The long, steamy, summer days are no stranger to her, nor are the cool Autumn nights on which soft breezes bring seasonal sighs trickling down her gently sloped roof. Looking at me now, she points me to patience. There is no rush. She's seen a country young, a country divided, a country restored - a country put through the fire and come out stronger. Be patient she says. Patience. Now, look out my window and you'll see what I see, the light reflected off her white-washed wood siding carrying a calm to your soul. Let's wait together, you and me. We'll find what we're looking for, you'll see.

Storm

2007-08-09T22:54:00.000-04:00

Normal doesn't mean easy.
Life is rarely safe or sound.
One minute you'll find your friends all around,
The next they're gone
When you fall to the ground.

A candy-coating never made the inside sweet,
And saying you got shoes doesn't cover your bare feet.
Your pain is real, it's OK to feel.
Tight shut eyes never kept the tears inside.

Just let your tears fall.
Hear the thunder,
See the lighting now?
It's time to let the
Tears rain down.

So let them fall.
Let them fall.
Let it all rain down.
Jesus hears us when we call.
So let them fall.

With Jesus leading me on -
My strong, caring savior -
His eyes are sharp,
His head strong,
Good things for me are in store.

Dear Jesus,

2007-08-09T22:32:00.000-04:00

Things have been kind of rough and tumble lately. You know it. It is really hard to trust you sometimes, ya know? I mean, when Job sat there day after day in complete sorrow and confusion, that was really, really hard. Really, really hard. When I sit here in silence, pain, confusion... asking for a word and get nothing, it is really, really hard. I love you so much though. So much. Hold me in your hand like you always have and comfort my spirit. Tell me, "Trust Me," and I will do my absolute best, Lord, to place my will in yours. I am yours, God. I am one who follows you. I've got nothing but You. I guess I'm asking you to pay close attention to me, because I'm paying close attention to you, and I know you do. God, bless me. With every gift you can think of. I want what your hand only gives.

Your re-creation,
james

Let's Talk About Taste

2007-07-18T17:54:00.001-04:00

When we were kids, all we wanted to eat was sugar. We heard the word "cake" and our mouths watered. We could stuff down a large bag of skittles and never get board of the sweet flavors. Sugar, sugar, sugar. Some of us still tend to have a sweet tooth, but too much sugar tends to push us over the edge. "Too sweet," we say. Now we love the bitter flavor of coffee, a good ale, or any number of foods with a less than sweet taste. It seems that we grow in our ability to enjoy the flavors of multiple foods when we grow older, and when asked the question of whether or not kids just have different tastes than adults or need to grow in their tastes most people would say kids have need for growth in taste. This developement of taste is a growing process, and in the end it allows us to enjoy a variety of differing flavors beyond just sweet yet without excluding it. This seems to be the case.
This leads me to my next set of conjecture. How much of taste is developed in other areas of life - say, movies for instance? Is there such a thing as a better quality movie? Should we appreciate some movies more than others or are our differing tastes just that - different? Where are the lines drawn? Are there lines? Personally, I cannot accept someone's comment that proclaims the new Transformers movie was better than the new addition to the Harry Potter series. Now, I can accept that someone enjoyed Transformers more than The Order of the Phoenix, but I cannot help but think they missed much when they watched the latter, not to mention my notion that the former had a lot of sweet to it but not much substance. Now, I can come to appreciate Transformers as an ingenious work of special effects and as a tribute to the popular television show, but I must say that the story was completely predictable and enormously lacked depth. Harry Potter And The Order of The Phoenix, on the other hand, was an awesome addition to the now 5-part series. The creativity within the story along with the excellent portrayal of Harry's psychological battle to me gave the air of a well-developed, bitter-sweet flavor that needs some paying attention to fully recieve. Anyone can watch Transformers and enjoy it to a certain extent. It was pretty shallow. What you see and hear (devestating expolsions, twisted-metal-bashing-car-transforming-electromagnetic-violence, with a teenage boy's fair share of hot-girl-fancy) is what you get. You don't have to look that far to taste the movie's flavor. Harry Potter, while it does have action and drama, contains so much more. The character developement is masterful, in my opinion, and shows a quality that Transformers easily lacked.
From here we could talk about functionality and what each movie was attemting to accomplish, and these differences certainly can play into the discussion, but my sense is that there is such a thing as taste developement in movies as well as in the arts.

Love Proverb

2007-06-04T17:14:00.000-04:00

You like what pleases you.
You love what you value.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

2007-05-11T13:51:00.000-04:00

The complexity of humans just boggles my mind. Not only are our bodies intensely complex, but they work like a dream. If you imagine your body as a machine, and keep in mind that the more complex something is, the more likely it is to break or fail, our bodies are the most perfectly designed masterpieces of all time. They are so complex, but so self-sustaining. Just think--we live in this world where we put water and pieces of the world into our mouths and swallow them. Our bodies then create energy from this "fuel," and it gets evenly distributed to the thousands of working parts in our body. Even the extremely sickly people are a wonder of such working parts.

Our minds are so...I can't even start to explain how complex they are. Each person has trillions of memories (if you can even put a number to them), all of them playing in to the person they are today. We have the ability, however, to recognize this and change it as we rationally interact with our memories--coloring them in a different light as we learn new things. This is just amazing. We can remember something, just think back on it once, and the feeling that is attached to that memory sweeps over us. So, our bodies also have memory as our brain reminds it of something in the past. Crazy. There is no way for one human to completely understand another, let alone themself. We engage in simplification so that we can piece together the puzzle of ourselves or someone else. This is really the only way we can interact with one another and come to have a relationship--to simplify what we experience of someone into simplified packets of information. For instance, we say, "she's a chill person." But this word "chill" is just one word that we attach to our perception of someone's personality. This leaves out all the infinite shades of "chill," not to mention the reason why she is chill and if in fact she is chill or just appears chill. All this to say, we really are helpless when it comes to understanding each other in any complete way. We merely wander around, most of us thinking we know everything, and experientially interact with other beings and things in this world.

God is the only one who truly understands us all. Each individual, He truly knows.

Psalm 139:1-6
O LORD, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it.

A Rant

2007-05-02T16:39:00.000-04:00

Am I the only person in America who cares about the church here? I don't get it. People see problems in the American church and instead of wanting to change them, they want to go to another culture. I just sense a broad-scale disdain for America by a lot of people. There's this sense that we've got everything we need in America and that to stay and help out here would be less worthy than to go somewhere else. The thing is, its NOT ok in America. We don't have it together and we need so much. I'm at a loss. There are people everywhere, EVERYWHERE, around us who need the gospel desperately--Christians who live quiet, beat-down lives of solitude crying out for help and someone to hold their hand. But there is no one to come help. NO ONE. It's all so individual. Everyone doing their own thing. Why do I love the American Church so much? Why do I sense the need that no one else seems to think is there? Why are some people so quick to say our culture needs help, but so equally quick to leave it in need? Why can't we fight?! Fight for the way it should be. Fight. Love your neighbor, my friends. Your neighbors are right here. LOVE them. Please. Please don't leave our culture in so much need. We don't need money or stuff or pleasure. We need relationship. We need love. This is my passion for the American church--that we would grow in loving community. But I guess I'm the only one who sees this.

P.S. I recognize the exaggeration here, but it is a rant.

Ask And You Shall Recieve

2007-04-23T20:34:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I just gotta ask, God. Could You please grow that flower again some day? I hope that when winter is through, it will grow again. In spring it will emerge from the ground better than ever. I hope so. But I am asking, Lord, because I know you care. It pained me when I couldn't take care of it anymore and I had to walk away. I'm holding Your hand, Daddy, asking "please, if You're ok with it, could You grow that flower again someday?"

My Ecclesiastes

2007-04-19T13:25:00.000-04:00

I know He cares.
I know He's there.
It's just hard sometimes.

Life comes at you in waves,
In a series of seven,
The biggest being the last.

Not just one-two, but three, four, and five,
After six you gasp for air,
Only to have it pounded out of you by seven.

Who said life was good?
Who said life was fun?
Whoever you are, you're delusional.

Please Fight

2007-04-15T18:32:00.000-04:00

Please fight, my brothers and sisters. Don't let culture and society tell you what to think or believe. We can't let the emotional pull of a movement lead us down a path God has not ordained. Fight. Read what the Bible has to say on issues. Read the Bible. Men and women, find what it is that God has called us to as genders. He has what's best in mind for us. He knows what's best. If what you read does not mesh with what you think, wrestle. Fight. Stuggle to understand. Don't let culture get the best of you, and don't let your mind get rusty. We must come to understand the flow of our culture's thought in light of scripture, which is a light to our path. Lord give us understanding. Give us love. Help us combine these two. Help us to fight even when we are afraid. Please, my brothers and sisters, we must follow God. We have no where else to go but to Him for true wisdom. He has the words of life. Let's find what He has to say and pray that we will believe it and live it. Jesus, help me to understand what it means to be a man. I want to be like you want me to be.

Hold Tight--Never Let Go

2007-04-13T20:31:00.000-04:00

"You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail."

Faith.

The Lord's purpose will prevail. I doesn't matter whether you believe this or not. It is true. God's purpose will happen in everything. Faith in this, however, gives me hope and trust in God. He is my master. He is my Lord. He is my Father. He is my everlasting star. He is my genius Friend. He has the ability to be everywhere at once, and then to sit right beside me. He can do anything he wants, but he only does that which is good. God is good. God gives meaning to this life. He is my life. I am His child. Do what you want with me, Lord. I've got nothing without You. Take all I've got, use it if you can, but please comfort me in my stuggles. Be the fuel for my passion. My heart is yours.

your re-creation,
james

Dear Jesus,

2007-04-09T19:39:00.000-04:00

Lord, be my help. You are everything to me. Take all my fears and put them on your back. I ask because I know you're strong. Then trade my yoke with yours--because yours is light. It is easy. I will rest my weary head on your shoulder, relaxing in the enormity of your strength. Like a giant sitting next to me will your presence be. I will be strong in you. Anything that comes my way I will dash aside, cutting it to pieces in your power. You are God. You are my Body Guard, my kevlar vest. Nothing can penetrate me so as to kill me because you are impenetrable. Your the best of the best. No one can beat you, and you are my friend. You love me so much that you were willing to die for me. You jumped in front of that bullet and let it sink into your heart--all for me. But you were stronger than the bullet and you lived. Be my strength, Lord. Be my strength. Your the only body guard one could have. I want you to be mine. I love you, Jesus.

Your re-creation
James

Bad is Good

2007-03-30T00:08:00.000-04:00

A cold wind, a chill breeze,
helps me to understand these:
Hard times come and go,
And seasons with the earth's axle throw
A tone to help us understand
The good we'll soon find in our hand.

Not just bad for badness sake,
But rather bad for goodness sake.
For If we only take pleasure's path,
We'll miss God's gift and seal His wrath.
The truth's that joy is found in misery,
If only we can come to see.

Dear Jesus,

2007-03-24T20:06:00.000-04:00

I love you so much. You are everything that I've got. Thank you for being perfect in my place. I just can't do it on my own. You are my God, my Master, and my Friend. My Friend. I really do see you as my friend. You won't leave me and will always look out for my good. I'm sorry that I don't do the same for my friends. Teach me to be like you and put them first. You really are everything I want to be: kind, loving, patient, joyful, peaceful like the night sky, good, gentle, faithful, and you have complete control over yourself. I want these things so bad, Jesus. I want to love so much. I want to be like you. You're my role model. Teach me, dear Jesus, to hold my will before the Father and say, "not my will, but Yours be done," because the Father has everyone's best interest in mind. Last of all, Lord, cause me to overflow with the Spirit, and let me bless those around me. I love you from the absolute depth of my being.

Your re-creation,
James

Expression

2007-03-21T20:03:00.000-04:00

A quick recap on my view of love: love is something inside us that grows. It is felt for the most part and works itself out in many ways. However, our will is involved in its expression in a big way. Love is inside, but how it comes out is left almost certainly up to our will. This isn't to say that love emotions can't exist unless we will them, but it is to say that how we how we let those emotions work themselves out is based in our will. This is the one area where many people get confused. They equate the command to love as something only of the will and they may begin to act out of other "heart-sets" than love. Guilt may be one reason for performing actions looking like love. At any rate, our will is what controls the out-flow of our love. This is where I will point out an extreme importance--the expression of love in relationships of any kind is essential to their growth. This goes for every relationship and definitely within the church. This is my challenge to people--if you have the love within you, express it! Don't stiffle it. Love becomes worth so much more when it is expressed. Only then will it be seen and then enjoyed. We cannot bless those around us by our love if we don't express it. I am not encouraging people to act "lovingly" if they don't have love, but I am saying that if it is there, give it! For God's sake, give it! (I'm not swearing.) If it isn't there, don't try and express it but rather pray for it. But when it is there: Compliment people. Give gifts. Show kindness. Encourage one another. Tell people straight up that you love them. Just give it. With Christ, we can have an endless love (if it is within you, and be patient with it growing, because it must grow before you express it) that we can give and give and give. The point then is that the expression of love is almost as important as the love itself, because it is what demonstrates and proves and reveals that which is hidden. Grow our love, Father. Help the American church. We need you. Help us to love You more.

Only God Knows

2007-03-14T14:46:00.000-04:00

What does it mean to "know" something? In one sense it could mean to have knowledge of an object or an idea. But what is knowledge? For humans, it is merely packets of information based on experience stored in your brain. This information is continually formed and reformed by your mind when circumstances in your life change. One happening in the past can completely change color when something new is added to your information bank and changes your perspective on what happened in the past. For example, when you were a kid you percieved that God was angry or sad during a storm because you connected your own experience of sadness and anger, and the tears therein, with something happening in nature. But when new information was added, your perspective on the same event changed. The same can be true of our knowledge of people. In the past, you may have known one person who did a certain thing that showed one emotion, and, subsequently, you may find yourself projecting that same information on a new person you meet in the future. You may find, however, that this person does the same action for a different reason, thus confusing your understanding of and interaction with people. The thing is, we can never come to truly know other people. All we can know are things about them. I am changing the definition of "knowing" here to complete understanding, and, in this sense, we as humans can never know anything. True "knowing" comes when there is nothing left to learn about something. This type of knowledge would merit complete confidence in oneself and complete independence from any need for learning. Humans are always going to be without this kind of knowledge. We can never know everything about anything. Moreover, we are always, always subject to error. We make mistakes, and lots of them. I imagine the only way to truly know someone or something would be to create it. When you create something, you know most everything about it--how the parts relate to the whole and the meaning of the whole--but even if we create something, as a human our complete knowledge of the parts (those things which make up the whole) is lacking, so we don't truly know what we have created. God has complete knowledge of his creation. This means that his knowledge of parts and whole is complete because he created them both. So, God's knowledge of anything and everything is complete. He is the only one who truly knows. For the most part, then, in our lives of darkened-glassness, we need to remain humble always in what we think we know, and trust God most dearly in what we don't.

The Third Self

2007-03-03T20:35:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry everybody for always writing about me and the way I am, but this is my processing. So, here we go again...

I continually find three James' within me. The first James is the James of fear. He is calloused and wrinkled, usually cowering in the corner, looking back at me with his red, teary eyes. He is afraid of everything, always worried, and wreaks havoc on my enjoyment of the moment. He is so drenched in fear that this James cannot be separated from it--part of his essence is being afraid. Another James that I continually come across is the angry, rational , perfectionist James that absolutely hates the James of fear. This guy continually belittles the James of fear in an attempt to get him to let "us" enjoy ourselves. He thinks the James of fear is always getting in the way, so, in bursts of anger, he calls the him "stupid, irrational idiot" in an attempt to get him to forget his fear. But James of fear does not lose his fear, he fights back with constant "what ifs" and "maybes" that make Perfectionist James even more angry. The fight rages on until another James, who I consider to be the "new" James, steps in. This James, I believe, is the new creation of Christ--this is where the Holy Spirit resides. This James has to step in and stop the fight. He has to, in calm words, separate the two and talk to them both. He says to James of fear to "be calm, and wait--just for today." He says to Perfectionist James, "stop belittling James of fear and calm down--be patient just for today." This James is quite joyful, he rests in the Lord. He has to be patient too, though, with the other two James'. He asks God to please change the other two James', to help them calm down and stop fighting. He asks for peace with groaning that ends in tears. He gets tired of the other two, but he rests on the Lord's strong arms. God is his strength, and will not let him down. This is the process of sanctification, I guess. I have to learn more and more to walk in the Spirit--to live in the third James. The more I walk in the third James, the less I will carry out the desires of the other two.

Sorry if you guys think I'm psycho, but this helps me understand myself a bit more. :)

Chill, America.

2007-02-19T11:00:00.000-05:00

"What are you going to do with your life? Hm? What do you want to do with your life? Hm? Don't waste your life."

or

"...do not be worried about your life... Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them...and who of you by being worried can add a single hour to your life? Your heavenly Father knows you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

-Jesus

Hakuna Matata, all. I'll take the Jesus version of how to think about life. I've got so many things in front of me right now. Beautiful People. Billowing clouds in the sky. I think Jesus would tell most of us in America to chill. Live today. Not tomorrow or yesterday. Today. Now. Here. This is where we are. Let's be where we are. Hakuna Matata, all.

To Be "Jamesed"

2007-02-12T16:58:00.000-05:00

One finds that as his or her interests become divided compensation must be made. In order to maintain a correct balance of life, that is, what we do (eat, sleep, homework, fun), we must find ways to keep doing what we know we have to do, while pursuing that which we know we want.

It is this balance that alludes me. I find that, for me, I must be doing only that which I want to do or nothing at all. I cannot for the life of me do whole-heartedly that which I have no interest in. Where my passion lies, there it stays. It seems that I have a one-track mind. I have recently become interested in something other than my school-work, and eventhough tuition is at an estimated $10,000 a semester, no amount a badgering, nagging, or pushing could get me to care more about school than what my mind is on. It is not that I have willfully chosen to be like this. My mind was taken by storm and thrown out to sea, and the waves will not let me go back. It was not my choice. Nope. I can try and try and try and try and try, but I will fail if I attempt to maintain the amount of intensity I had with school while entertaining this. But I am not ashamed, I am just "Jamesed": adj.

the state or condition of oneself after having discovered that one is not in total control over the desires, functions, and/or needs of one's heart, soul, mind, and body.

The Blinding Rage, part 2

2007-01-30T22:31:00.000-05:00

As the coaster bumped along towards the top of the first hill, one young man became extremely terrified. He thought so many negative and despairing thoughts within that short amount of time that it amazed even him. Soon the roller coaster car reached the top of the hill, tipped gently over the top, and then went screaming down the hill. The young man held on to the car tightly and sweat on his face hinted to the anxiety inside. He prayed, "Please, God, don't let me derail. Please!" But God did not say "yes." Shortly after the loop, the car derailed and sent the young man flying across the theme park. He felt as if his heart was about to explode from fear, and as the ground grew near he found himself preparing his heart for death. He relaxed his body and accepted the fall - it hurt...a lot. However, upon opening his eyes the young man found his body scratched and bruised but in no way hurt beyond repair. In fact, he found the fall to be quite the ride. While he stuggled to get up, he thought about how scared he was before the ride--how much hair he lost and the pounds he was missing at his waste. Why had he been so afraid? Was that it? It reminded him of when he was a kid and almost peed in his pants before his first shot; that when it was done he marveled at how incredibly little it hurt. Such was the same with the roller coaster. The young man gave a slow sigh of relief and began to walk toward the exit of the theme park.

It was then that a funny thought krept into his mind: "I wonder if I could make it through the whole ride if I tried it again..."

The Blinding Rage

2007-01-23T00:14:00.000-05:00

"Welcome to the Blinding Rage, Everyone!" The roller-coaster operator yelled. "Today you will be experiencing the fastest, tallest, most incredibly mind-boggling coaster of all time. You will reach speeds of up to 100 mph and climb to heights of 300 feet. When you are done, you will truly understand why this coaster was aptly titled, "Blinding Rage"! Alright, off you go!" As the coaster car lurched from its standstill and began to climb the first hill the operator shouted, "Oh, and by the way, at any moment the coaster could derail. But just relax and have fun!"

A Parable

2007-01-08T13:51:00.000-05:00

A man was once invited to go play golf with a friend. This man had never played golf before, but his friend assured him that he could do it. On the drive to the course, the friend began to give tips and advice to the man. He described how to hold the club, where to place your feet, which club to use under each situation, the best golf-balls and clubs, the effects of forward and backward spin on the ball, and how to accomplish each. Not only this but the friend warned the man to keep his left arm straight when swinging the club, explained the proper hip motion, described the deadly sandtraps that would surround the hole, mentioned the trouble of hitting a ball in the rough and how to get out, pointed out the speed at which the ball would roll when it hit the green and ways to avoid missing it, and finally he went into a plethora of detail on the do's and don'ts when putting on the green. By the time the man stepped up to the tee he felt like to have a stroke. The insane amount of minutia packed into his brain made him feel dizzy. He could scarcely hold the club, let alone swing it. Looking down the fairway the man noticed how incredibly small the flag was that marked the hole--he couldn't even see the hole. Before he even hit the ball, the man became frustrated at the impossibility of doing everything right. All the while, his friend kept yammering on in the background that he was not holding his club right, that his feet were in the wrong position, and to be careful not to hit it in the trees or the rough. At last, the man threw down the club and refused to play. Bewildered, the friend reluctantly agreed to leave.

(It's really quite simple--just love God and others.)

Relax, James.

2007-01-03T11:23:00.000-05:00

Relax, James. Relax. I wish I knew what that meant. I've never done it before--not as a lifestyle at least. Everything I do is 100% or not at all. Some admire this. Others despise it. Me--I don't know. The more I live, the more I learn that for every good there is a reciprocal evil that can easily quench my appreciation for the good. The better the good, the worse the evil. You can't escape it. It's there. So, I'm supposed to relax. Telling James to relax is like telling an ant to stop working or telling a musician to stop making music. I feel that I am trapped in a body that makes life miserable. I can't see past my experience, and I am predisposed to see the glass half-empty. I know the world needs people like me, but I just wish I was one of the naive--the carefree. I would think that everything's great in the world. When something bad happened, it would roll off my back and I'd keep smiling because life is great. But I find myself seeing all the bad. I can spot a problem in anything from a mile off, and if there is no big problem, I'll imagine the small problems I see on a greater scale... Pray for James. Pray for James. He's so helpless. Some see strength in me. I see weakness. I can't do life on my own, God. I need you and people like you. I need help.

Helper

2006-12-27T19:43:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time their lived a naked man in a jungle. (No need to get upset--he was supposed to be naked.) This guy's name was Man. I know it sounds generic and made up but I assure you it's true. Anyway, one day as he was naming animals that filed in and out of his presence, he noticed that every one of the animals had a mate - there was male and female. I imagine that he must have noticed the difference in plumbing as they filed by and thought it odd that he had no reciprocal mate. Not only this but he must have noticed how in all the work he was doing, he had no other being like him to be his companion. He must have thought how specific tasks could be accomplished much easier (and better) if he had a mate. The dogs could not talk. The eyes of the fish were empty. No animal was as smart as he was, nor could they give helpful advice to care for the garden. Man was alone. But he did not cry out to God for a helper - It was God who saw that man was not good by himself. God must have made man wait to help him see what life was like apart from community and relationship. Man by himself was like a bridge without supports or a car without wheels. One cannot exist without the other. So, one day God put Man to sleep and took a bone from his side and made a helper named Woman from it. When Man awoke he found the most beautiful creature he had ever seen sitting next to him. She was naked. He was naked. They both found each other wonderful. Woman and Man began to get to know one another. Man found that Woman was brilliant. She had a mind very similar to his, yet she was distinctly different. He discovered over time that she fit like a puzzle piece with him - in more ways than one. Man spent days praising God, the maker of this beautiful person with whom he now spent his time. He and she were a team. He looked upon her with utmost love and adoration. She looked up to him in respect and admiration. It was beautiful, and God was very pleased.

Past-Projection

2006-12-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

Coming from inside is a light you can't hide, and gripping your heart (can't rip it apart) is a hand blending with beating meat. You can't retreat. That hand can't let go. It was made to be stayed.

Dark clouds giving way to white clouds of day billow with a burning bright to fill the night. They pour through my pupils and from below they rise to fill, against my will, my sight with all that seems right. Suspicious. It's hard to see when proceeding from these two lenses is a beam that burns what it desires on the object it sees--with its fires it wills what it wants, making and molding it's favorite things. This could be. It is merely my perception on my present situation. Or maybe this is my mind protecting me from the past, and conclusions drawn to fast, is committing the fault it found in the eyes. Projection. Projection. It's all a reflection. Things gone by. It makes me sigh. I can't see past what's in the past.

Like A Pet

2006-12-22T15:50:00.000-05:00

I am so small.
His love for me is so big.
Both of these I cannot seem to comprehend.

Ordinary Me

2006-12-16T20:19:00.000-05:00

Just passed my exams. First day of break. Made it through the semester once again. I get to see my family, my dog, my room. Smell the house, so clean, so neat. It's wonderful and tasty and good. A girl's on my mind, and I find myself with her in thought most of the time. My brothers screaming in the background, I relax in my old-time abode--drinking in the memories of past years. I'm almost old now. My childhood is gone; it's slipping away. This college thing makes me lose my grip on it. Time is like a pole you are sliding down. You started at the top and it wasn't to slippery--you went slow. But then it started to get a little smoother--you sped up. Then it gets just down right slick--and you started screaming down the pole, too fast to comprehend how much is going by. The more I live, the more I remember, the lesser periods of time seem to be. A semester seems like a month, and a month seems like a week. I'm working next week. Gotta make some money. To buy stuff.

A Chicken's Egg

2006-12-03T22:48:00.000-05:00

Out of a rotten
Comes what reaks.
Not quickly forgotten,
Could stay for weeks.

Like any other,
Appears this egg.
But under its cover
Lies rot that's dead.

No one could eat this egg so smelly,
For black seeping death contains its jelly.

Out of a fresh
Comes what fills.
It's good for the flesh,
And hunger it heals.

So many uses,
This Egg could boast.
Like coupling with juices,
Hot coffee, and toast.

Filling our stomachs with joy unknown,
Crystal gold egg yoke needs no wrong condone.
But decaying inside, the rotten need fear
The wrath of the Farmer who is drawing near.

Why Am I Here?

2006-12-02T15:37:00.000-05:00

Is it just to cry?

What Love Is

2006-11-28T19:23:00.000-05:00

(In a relatively large classroom, about 30 people, a teacher decides to tackle one of the most debated subjects of all time - love.)

OK. Who in here has ever tried to understand what love is? Anyone? Alright. About 5 hands. Of those who have, which of you have a diffinitive answer? Ok, you in the back, what do you think love is?

Love is a choice, sir.
How did you come to that conclusion?
Well, I figure that Christ told us to do many things like pray for one another and turn the other cheek and what-not. I guess you could say that these actions could be classified as loving actions. So, what is the motive behind them? I would say it is a choice to act on behalf of others - for their benefit.
So, in order to love like Christ commanded us to, we don't necessarily need to feel love, right?
That's correct, sir.
So, a man that hates his dying brother chooses to pay the hospital bills out of guilt is actually fulfilling Christ's command to love?
Well... I don't think so. His motives are all screwed up...
But isn't he making a choice to act for his brother's benefit? It certainly looks like love to me.
Well, it might look like love but it isn't really love.
But I thought you said love was a choice.
I guess it would have to be a correctly motivated choice, sir.
And what could possibly motivate such a choice?
Well... um... love... I suppose...
But I thought you said love was a choice. Are you saying that love runs deeper than what it chooses?
...I guess so...

Ok, anyone else have what love is? How about you, ma'am. What do you say love is?

Love is a feeling.
What makes you think that?
Well, the last guy admitted that love must run deeper than what it chooses, so I guess it is a feeling motivating the choices.
But what if you were so mad at someone that you could not feel the love you had for them? What would you do then?
I would choose to act on the love I know is there.
Wait. So how do you know the love is still there if you can't feel it?
I just know it deep down. And, at least, I don't want to act on my anger towards them. I would rather try to resolve the situation peacefully. I don't want to hurt them.
But you don't have to feel the love to want what's best for them?
I guess not... wait. Did I just contradict myself?
Yes, you did. You just admitted that you can love someone even if you can't feel it in a situation. That, even if you more strongly feel anger towards them, you have a desire for their welfare that motivates your actions - not a feeling - and you act on that rather than what you feel.
OK... So what do you say love is?

What is love... hmmm... I don't know if we could ever understand what love is. God is love. It is something that God is that cannot be defined by the physical world, I think. But we can see the manifestations of it and know things about it. For one, love is for the most part felt. Now, as we have just seen, sometimes love feelings are overwhelmed by other feelings. However, for the most part we can say that love is felt. You can feel love for your friends when you think about them at home. You can feel love for your girlfriend as you are hanging out watching a movie. And you can feel love for God after just asking forgiveness and knowing you have recieved it. Love is felt. Ok. Another one - love moves. It is active. Love does stuff. Especially when others are in need. We needed a savior, for instance, and God's love was so great that he sent his son to rescue us. When someone you love is sick, you desire to help them and care for them, so you do it. Love is active and chooses. At any rate, love is something attached to other people, things, and most importantly God. Can we say it is anything? I don't know. But I would rather look at how love manifests itself. In conclusion, we must never take one of the outworkings of love and call that love. This can affect our entire view of what it means to live the Christian life. Also, we must be careful of these faulty semantical phrases such as, "Love is a choice," or "Love is a verb" because of the faulty thinking derived by such phrases.

Let's Talk

2006-11-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

Can't think straight. Can't sleep right. Just lay awake all night. Not in anxiety, mostly, just a crazy amount of adrenaline. It's about time to do something about it...

1 + 1 = 1

2006-11-07T10:45:00.000-05:00

I wonder if we look at the Bible completely wrong sometimes. I have been reading Revelation and have struggled to reconcile many of the things that Jesus says with what I have come to think and believe. I find it hard to discover any agenda the Bible has other than the fact that God is amazing. Yet, all the while a lot of us have a different agenda when talking about the Bible. Take the unity of Jesus' divinity and humanity for instance. We struggle so hard to make sense out of this (how could 1 + 1 = 1?) and end up with fifty different theories on the topic and argue for hours on the subject - all the while the Bible doesn't seem to even give it a second thought. The fact that Jesus is fully divine and a complete human is spoken of matter-of-factly as if there is no problem with it. It seems that the authors didn't have as much problem with what they were writing as we do...

Resting Rate

2006-10-28T12:09:00.000-04:00

My heart has been beating too fast for far too long now. It feels like it is racing to supply an evident, supposed need (the supposed being the most important word here), trying to plant a seed. Two in as many weeks makes me feel like I am driving a Hummer - just with a "B" instead of an "H." The seeds never grow. Just when the sun begins to shine, clouds hurry to cover up the most needed ingredient. My heart is prideful it appears, trying to find a reason to justify why it started beating in the first place. Well, I'm talking to ya, heart, and I say give it a break. Stop beating so fast. It's time to get back down to resting rate. You have been beating too fast for far too long now.

The Stranger in the Mirror

2006-10-19T10:06:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I don't know who I am. People often exclaim to me and to others about how confusing I am. The thing is, I'm right there with people most of the time. Even I don't really know who I am. Sometimes I find myself looking in the mirror and asking myself, "who are you?" It feels as if I am looking at a complete stranger sometimes. It is as if I am on the outside looking in, watching "James" walk around and do things and act certain ways, all the while I am wondering why I am the way I am. I suppose I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am (and I'm not), but I find that people misunderstand me a lot. Oh well, I guess if I don't understand myself, how could I expect others to?

I'm Tired of Being Alone

2006-09-21T10:15:00.000-04:00

"I'm tired of being alone..." - A John Mayer lyric from one of his popular songs meant to express his desire for a woman. Well, while I would also like this, I would like to use it in another way. I am tired of being alone in what I think. It seems that everywhere - and I mean everywhere - I go I come across people who believe different things than I do. Take my "love is a feeling" talk for example. I can only think of about 5 people I know that think this same thing. The rest hold different views. This is also true for many other things that I think about church, worship, my relationship with God and God Himself. It just gets so tiring to be standing against the flow. It's not that I want to be rebellious, but rather that I can't get around what I think in my head. No one has convinced me otherwise. Instead, a lot of the time, I grow more and more convinced while everyone around me continues to believe otherwise.
In some of my classes, where ideas that are contrary to what I believe are expressed, I find myself out of love desiring to show that there are other ways to think about the topic, but instead of getting a good discussion I get a teacher who seems to avoid my hand in the air and class members who vehemently disagree with me. In this case it is my desire to have a healthy discussion so that one or the other of us on either side of the fence with grow in our understanding of the topic. But the intellectual climate doesn't seem to be based on love. It instead has the feeling of trying to win converts to ideas for the sake of being right. All I want when I talk about love is to show people something that I think is very important. It is out of love that I talk about love. I don't want people to be caught in the same trap that I was caught in a while ago. Granted, it might be me who needs to change in how I view certain things, but through many, many conversations I've only grown more confident. I would hope that people would love me enough to show me where I am wrong. A good discussion will always bless the people involved. In most cases, neither party has a complete understanding of the topic.

Father, Use Me in Community

2006-09-16T10:53:00.000-04:00

We love because You first loved us

A first cause to bring effect -
To reap the sown and chosen elect

Starting in and moving out
love will grow without a doubt
Its not a gift I choose to give,
Its the anchor in heart from which I live.

Thoughts on Love

2006-08-31T08:41:00.000-04:00

Those who are lost are called enemies of God (Romans 5:10), and Jesus said He came to seek and save that which is lost. He also said to love your enemies - to love as He loved (Be perfect as I am perfect). Should we not love in the same way? A common interpretation is that "loving your enemies" does not actually mean to feel love for them because this is commonly held as impossible. This interpretation says that regardless of how we feel, we act a certain way because Jesus said so - and this is what separates us Christians from the rest of the world, that we master our actions opposed to our feelings. Did Jesus not actually have feelings of love for those he sought to save? The parable of the prodigal Son, or the Loving Father, seems to demonstrate that the Father, when His son went astray as we all have (Isaiah 53:6), longed for His son to return out of love. When the son actually did return, the Father was looking for Him and ran to meet Him, excited and overjoyed that his son had "been found." Is this not an example of the way God loves us, His enemies, before we come to know Him? I think so. In the same way, I believe we are to love our enemies just as God loved us. This love should compel us and cause us to deeply long for their salvation and this is the reason why we would treat them so well - because we have love for them. This reminds me of Jesus' words in the process of crucifixion: "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." Jesus did not seem to have any negative feelings towards those who were mutilating Him. I imagine His heart was grieved beyond words that they did not know the truth. But His ultimate act of love for these men would be to allow Himself to be killed so that they would have a way of redemption. This is the ultimate act of love (note that I am saying the act demonstrates the love as a noun within), to lay down one's life for those you love.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) I think it is clear in this passage that God's love for us is not embodied in volition, but rather that His love is portrayed, depicted, illustrated, and demonstrated by His actions. The actions aren't the love, the actions show the love.

So how do we love? This is the question driving this whole discussion. What is it that God expects out of me? I know His biggest commandments to us are to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And to love your neighbor as yourself." (Matt. 22:37-38). But how can we know what to do if the definition of love is so disputed? Is it an verb, or a noun, or both? The popular thing nowadays is to say that it is not a noun, but a verb. I disagree and have a hunch that this philosophy on love is merely an attempt to cope with the fact that we can't love on our own. The process seems to be If we continually fail to love as a feeling, and God commands us to love, let's redifine love so we can accomplish on the outside what we cannot accomplish inside. This puts many a person's pride at rest, while keeping them from realizing what Jesus said: "Abide in Me, and I in you, as the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." (John 15:4-5) My sense is that the view of volition-love does not allow this passage its full meaning. I'm sorry, but anyone can, if he feels compelled to, act loving to someone else. Controlling the outside is something that even a sinner can learn to do. I have met many non-Christians who appear to be patient and kind and loving on the outside, but on the inside bottle up their hatred in an attempt to tolerate the other person. Controlling your behavior is something that no one does perfectly, but all have the ability to do - we all have a will and if need be can control our actions. Non-christians are not mindless puppets controlled by their sinful nature. They modify the outside just like us. Granted, Christians have the Spirit to supply the fruit of self-control, but what makes us truly different than the world with the idea of love? What do we have in the Spirit that those without don't have? I believe it is that we actually have the ability through the Spirit to have love for others, even our enemies. I don't believe that what makes us different is that we do what's right now matter how we feel. No. They can do that to an extent too. But the Spirit can bear the fruits within us over time as we abide in Him. What does it mean to abide? Now that's another question. Could be a one time thing that now the Spirit is within us we are abiding or it could be a continual abiding daily in what Jesus said and what not. Either way, I think that it is clear that it is the job of the Holy Spirit to grow the fruit of love in us. In the mean time, we can close our mouths when hateful things come to mind, forgive one another, and seek peace with everyone. After all, self-control is also a fruit of the Spirit.

If the entire old testament can be summed up in "Love God, love others," then we can say this is the main thrust of the Law. Now, the Law was given as a tutor to lead us to Christ (Gal. 3:24). Wouldn't it make sense then if the Law which can be summed up in a call to love, which was a tutor to lead us to the Christ/Redeemer, that it really would be impossible to love on our own? We needed a tutor to show us that we truly need a Redeemer who can not only fulfill this requirement to love, but who can truly help us to have the same heart. This helps us to understand that the call to have love can only be done through Christ. The action part is not what is love, the actions define the love and are an outpouring of that love. And, with actions, we must make a distinction between actions that seek peace and unity, and actions that show love.

Thank You God

2006-08-25T12:19:00.000-04:00

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. I Thessalonians 4:11-12

Oh my goodness I love this verse. So there is a place for a quiet normal life in God's will for us. I sometimes feel extremely guilty for wanting to live this kind of life - to "evangelize" in this way. Just to live a quiet life devoted to God brings in people who have come to respect the way we live. I like this a lot. Thank You God for putting this in the Bible.

Providence

2006-08-21T11:56:00.000-04:00

Everything is happening for a reason, but not everything happens for a reason.

I have to write

2006-08-19T11:12:00.000-04:00

So much tension built up inside of me. I can't keep it in anymore. Things I've been trained to hate constantly call me to love. All I want is some peace, but I get a torn mind and body that desires more - adventure. But one finds that if he is to choose adventure, he must risk. "Is the risk worth it?" he asks himself. "I don't know," he responds. "So which will we choose?" Now he is talking to himself. But which will he choose. He doesn't know but he has a hunch he will choose the risk - though there is no promise of anything in return. Such risk calls us to place our trust in something (someone) that we have never known or experienced. Why does it pull at me so? It is inside of me, beckoning me to embark on this adventure that the rational side of me says is ludicrous. It is outside of me, this adventure calling my name, earnestly desiring me to become the necessary mortar to stick the bricks of this adventure together. Without me there is no adventure. Without the adventure it seems there would be no me. It's calling my name. It's calling my name. It's screaming my name. I don't know if I want to answer.

I Might Kiss Marriage Goodbye

2006-07-17T17:01:00.000-04:00

Just recently my big bro' got engaged. He was completely excited and he and his fiance were having a great time together. Their wedding was in two months and steve was looking forward to it with great anticipation. I thought to myself just recently that I was glad one of us brothers finally experienced something positive in the guy-girl relationship realm. Well, about a week ago the engagement was broken. Steve's fiance became extremely anxious and got sick thinking about the whole thing. She thought it was because God didn't want her to get married at this point in time and should return to school and get a 4-year degree. Nevermind the fact that both families got along great, she and steve loved each other, steve just finished college and was ready to get a job and support her, and everyone in both families said marriage would be great for them. Because she had a feeling, this engagement was broken... I don't know, maybe her feeling is right and it is the leading of the Holy Spirit, but it came as a complete shock to everyone. It really doesn't make much sense at all. Anyway, this situation is causing me to wonder. When Paul told the Corinthians to refrain from getting married he seemed to have a great point. Some people say that those verses don't necessarily apply to us in our culture at this point in time, but I am beginning to seriously doubt that. I have a deep desire down inside aimed towards marriage, but I have honestly not heard much good about it. In Marriage and Family class, the troubles of marriage were talked about as God's sanctifying work through His "Sanctification Workshop" that is marriage. This doesn't seem very scriptural and appears to be an attempt to make some sense of the extreme difficulties a lot of couples experience. I am beginning to think that the advice Paul gave to his readers might apply to me and many others in our culture. Maybe it is best to remain unmarried and spare myself the pain and trouble that marriage can bring. I'll let God sanctify me some other way...

SevenSevenOhSix

2006-07-10T15:49:00.000-04:00

I almost died two days ago. At least that's what they said could have happened. My brothers, Jonny and Thomas, and I went outside and were planning just to have a good time. I was wandering around down by the creek when I looked down at my legs and saw yellow jakcets swarming my legs. I must have been stung four times before I realized what was happening, but as soon as I did I bolted. Once insided, I stripped off most of my clothes and had to kill two more bees that were inside my shorts. We counted the stings - five or six, all on my legs. They didn't hurt that bad and I kind of had the rush of an adventure, but about fifteen minutes later I broke out in hives all over, my body started to itch intensly, and then I started to have trouble breathing. I had Jonny ruch me to the doctor's office. By then I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. At the doctor's office they rushed me into one of the back rooms where they gave me two shots - one of epinephrine and another of cortozone. I soon calmed back down, but not until after the epinephrine caused my heart to beat intensely hard and fast. It kind of scared me but they told me it was supposed to happen. Needless to say it was quite an experience. From now on I have to carry around a portable shot called an EpiPen with me incase I ever get stung again. I really am tired of pointless (it seems) problems with my body: I used to get sick all the time, back problems, allergic reactions to muscle relaxants meant to help the pain of a burned esophagus (high school), two hernias, and stuff of the sort. I have experienced quite a bit. This experience kind of makes me look forward to death, but at the same time make me glad I'm alive. Kind of ironic, isn't it?

Problems with Perception

2006-06-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

Girls. They are beautiful. And I'm glad God made them this way. Over the past few years I have made great steps towards being able to see and love the inner person of girls (in a brotherly way), but there is a problem. Let me give an example to illustrate. Driving through New York City, once upon a time, I saw what I was certain were a couple of prostitutes on the corner of a low-traffic street. When I saw them I noticed the style of clothing they had and how very little of it there was. Well, to make sense of why I am writing this, I have seen many women figures in pop culture wearing the same style of clothing (and the lack there of), not to mention a handful of girls in my own home-town church. When I see these girls it is very hard to look at them as sisters in Christ or to see the non-christian girls for who they are. It basically comes down to a problem of perception. I end up having to look away from these girls because of where my thoughts turn. I hate it when this happens, but it is really hard to see a girl dressed like a prostitute as a sister in Christ. I feel that they are demeaning themselves by the way they dress and it breaks my heart to see a girl cry out for love and attention in what she wears. In fact, I tend to get a little depressed when I am surrounded by girls concerned so much about the exterior because of an interior need. I try so hard to view girls as Jesus viewed them - he was able to hang out with the prostitutes and show them a heart-felt love. I long to view girls like this. When I see a girl on tv attempting to lure me into viewing her sexually, I want to feel concern for her soul and felt needs and not what my flesh wants. This usually happens, but sometimes my body gets the best of me and I have to flee my sinful nature. I think this is why Christian girls are commanded to wear "what is fitting" for a saint to wear. It is certainly not fitting for a saint to wear clothes that prostitutes choose to lure men in with. My prayer is that regardless of what a girl is wearing I will be able to see past the "dolled" up outside meant to draw my eyes (and sexual desires) to the heart and why she is crying out for attention with what she is wearing and doing.

Love is a Feeling, Part II

2006-05-08T22:47:00.000-04:00

for Dr. Lewis

Why does love have to be so complicated? Why actions, commitment, feelings, volition, and everything else that is tied in the bundle? Sometimes it is spoken of as a mystery. I can see this is some ways. The fact that I could have feelings of love (that put a smile on my face) for people that do evil things to me is certainly a mystery. The fact that God loves (with a smile on His face and warmth in His heart - in an anthropomorphic way) me, whose best actions are merely crapped up diapers - that is a mystery. But to say that love in itself, its very nature and how it works, is a mystery seems to be a bit far fetched. I wonder if, out of the fact that we just can't feel it, we have made it a combination of volition and feeling in order to somehow control the fact that we lack what God wants for us to have most. My good friend, Dr. Lewis, told me recently about a book that contained the myths that young married women have about marriage and their corresponding truths. Dr. Lewis shared with me one of the truths that the author said young married women need to hear - love is not a feeling. What on earth? I just cannot put into words how false that appears to me. Besides, if love is not a feeling then I don't want to get married. Why would I get married just so I could force myself to love somebody and have sex with a person I felt no love for. How twisted is that? Well, there might be some sort of semantics going on here that I don't understand, but those semantics can change a persons outlook on God and others and life. I want to be deeply in love with God. I want to be deeply in love with others. I want to feel the love. When I see and accept God's love perfectly I will love Him back with a love so deep that the well will never run dry.

Baptism Not By Water?

2006-04-04T23:19:00.000-04:00

In Matthew 18:19-20, the Great Commission passage, Jesus tells His disciples to go and make disciples, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. The latter part, what on earth does it mean? What we take it to mean on a broad scale is a literal baptism (that John the baptist instituted). Then, in order to do it in the name of Christ, we tack on the statement - "I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." Honestly, what does that mean? Do we take it like "stop in the name of the Law?" I don't know how someone would normally reconcile this, but it reminds me of the way we tack on "we pray these things in the name of Jesus" at the end of our prayers. Jesus clearly didn't mean this. In antiquity it is clear that the name of someone is given as a qualifying aspect - showing the character and identifying qualities of the person. We can see this in scripture by the fact that Jesus said anything that we ask in His name will be done. Now, I have certainly asked for many things with the end of the prayer being "in Jesus' name, Amen," and many of these prayers were answered in the negative. But we know that this is not what Christ meant in what He said. He was saying that anything you ask in His character (what His will is) will be done. This fits with the meaning and use of names in antiquity. Now back to baptism. When Jesus says to baptize them in the name of God, I believe that He might not be saying to baptize them with water. Could "baptize" here be figurative. Well, not likely, but if you remember it is said in Mark 1:8, "I baptize you with water (John the baptist) but He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit." Maybe this has some connection with what Jesus said in Matthew 28. Here are a few other verses that seem to point to something different than what we see Matt. 28 - Acts 10:47 - Can anyone withhold water for baptizing these people, who have received the Holy Spirit just as we have? And he commanded them to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ.; Acts 10:2-5 - And he said to them, "Did you recieve the Holy Spirit when you believed? And they said, "No, we have not even heard that there is a Holy Spirit." And he said, "Into what then were you baptized?" They said, "Into John's baptism." And Paul said, "John baptized with the baptism of repentance, telling the people to believe in the one who was to come after him, that is, Jesus." On hearing this, they wer baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. And when Paul had laid his hands on them, the Holy Spirit came on them...
These were just a few of the verses that called into question my previous conceptions of the Great Commission and the part about baptism. It makes you question what you believe about the Great Commission and how it applies to us in particular. Was what Jesus said more directed to the Apostles than the followers to come? I don't know...